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whatever77x
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Name: Jason
Interests: old men, spades, backgammon...
the birthday party, nick cave, unwound, red lorry yellow lorry, cibo matto, einturzende neubauten, can, the fall, the fakes, wire, alex chilton, lydia lunch, nick zedd, richard kern, north by northwest, the electric prunes, roger corman, mildred pierce, wolfsheim, the orb, boredoms, autechre, the damned, eraserhead, jun takahashi, decoder, atwood & the robber bride, william gibson, vertigo
Expertise: south of france AC/DC fuck off
Occupation: Military
Industry: Engineering
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
12/27/2004
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| why i don't even bother to dress cool or act like i'm cool these
days...you've got to sign up for
myspace to see all their wild & crazy pictures but that only takes
one second. notice all three of
these people are
like 16-18 and have hundreds of internet friends. there are a million
of these people. it is so easy for me to get completely in awe of
other people...i'm like that with almost everybody. i get
distressed when i think about how no matter what i do in art or life,
there is
somebody out there who is doing it better. i
feel like everything is taken, and i'm having a hard time finding my
own place right now not just in music but in who i am and what i spend
my time doing. in fact, the problem is i kind of just shut down
and not bother doing anything, and if you shut down on everything,
you're left with nothing. that's what i've been doing about six
nights a week lately...shutting down as a person, becoming a big
nothing with no opinion, just absorbing music and books and movies and
sleeping. its not a matter of wanting to be better or
compete, necessarily, just a
matter of finding who i am and who i want to be. and i could
really use some help but i know if i ask for help people will just say
to find it within myself and ect. ect. well, what if i've wanted
to make people happy so much my entire life that i don't have a
self? i honestly think i don't, or not much of one, because i
adapt so much to what people expect of me and i don't want to
disappoint them. i don't think anyone would like to take on
that task of helping me find out who myself is...though if they do, by
all means let me know, you get the job automatically no interview
process required. tell me who to be, what to sing about, what to
do for fun...seriously...i wasn't empty or at least i didn't think i
was, but i'm empty now. i know that more than i know anything
right now. i want to be the person you're so glad you're
friends with, who makes your life great in every single way. here's some with pretty
hair and cool
interests, but there's a million others more plainclothed
who are ten
hundred gauge deep subtle and insightful and arty of course.
trevor when/where is the show on saturday???
http://www.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewProfile&friendID=512865&Mytoken=20050210104010
http://www.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewProfile&friendID=6179049&Mytoken=20050209231451
http://www.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewProfile&friendID=5800420&Mytoken=20050209231503
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| another day another book thats me cause i'm just a nerd. i've
been having a hard time staying awake today. i've been listening
to these time life pop song comps i got from the library on
rotation...1949, 1964, 1965, 1969. i've been trying to burn ben
machina II, i went and bought some more CD-Rs, but everything that
could go wrong, has gone wrong, and now
the site with the good downloads is down again...i really need to track
down another, but i have been having problems with that too. i've
found at least a dozen and a half dead links, because the material is
so old, and the only active links all have the two faulty mp3s that cut
off...which are the only two i need at this point.
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| this book breaks my heart...its so uncomfortable to read, its like a
crazy broken old man rambling on and you don't really know what he's
saying but you read into it and nod your head...
its got this weird writing style, i don't know how to explain it...its
not readily coherent, so i'd try and say its like the soft machine by
william burroughs but thats not write cause its just not cut
ups... its kind of like as i lay
dying by william faulkner when the retarded kid narrates... oh fuck i don't know how to explain
it. its like your really smart but dying grandpa freaking out...
anyhow, i think the theme is about how technology is bad for people
because of what it does to art. i don't know if its saying
technology is bad, but its definately saying the way it is applied, and
the purpose we do new research for, is often bad. he talks about
the player piano...which basically killed the need for people to learn to play songs
cause everyone could have exact beethoven and debussy on demand all of
a sudden... or how the mona lisa is now something for calendars
and coffee mugs.
its weird how fast and completely tech outmodes
art...does anybody even know who wagner is these days? are my
chemical romance better than wagner? fuck no to me, but i've
never even heard a note wagner's output...how silly, right. whatever creates the most happiness? no....that
would be britney spears... anyhow, gaddis talks about how its the
process of playing music is what makes it special, and when technology
can do that for you, or technology can do it better, then what's
left... nothing... he's really fearful. i've felt
that many times...but at the same time, the player piano only destroyed
certain forms; new forms arose and now we have rock and roll....i think
there will always be new modes and forms of expression, at least for
quite awhile...
its not the forms i worry about, its the scheme we're in and what
that means... sometimes it is scary to see how dumbed-down the
stuff people read is compared to nietzche, plato, ect... even
though i read it myself...how could i say with a straight face that
david sedaris is a great author? media doesn't need to be
complicated to be good, but the passion of mozart, the ambition
courtney love had...thats something that can't be replicated by any
tech or easier answers. you either have it/cultivate it, or you
don't. i think the reason music is so shitty right now is because
everybody making art right now is a member of the spoiled generation,
with a million distractions, television, malls and corporate
ubiquity...
so we get jack white and the strokes, who are better than a lot
of stuff but are really just lazy artists compared to nirvana, the
stooges, the velvet underground. its so obvious that whether you
like it or not, the same amount of effort and struggle wasn't put into
it... its
perfectly fine for people to talk about Saturday Night Live like its a
work of art and laugh at Adam Sandler and Will Ferrell, maybe a nation
full of coach potatoes is fine and maybe we can all just become
illiterate because we have computers to spell and think for us...
i'm not knocking anybody, because seriously, that's probably
fine. i don't know how it'll turn out...i for one think its more
interesting to twist and turn yourself into something interesting even
though its painful... but in my personal experience it is awfully
hard to fight when you can just turn on the Real World and zone out all
the time with no consequences. and when you twist and turn
yourself too bad, of course it hurts... my generation has been
raised to do whatever it wants to avoid pain, and if you feel sad, then
something is supposed to be wrong with you and you're supposed to cheer
up...thats just what people think these days. people really
don't have to live with their pain like they used to when the world was more harsh...and it doesn't
mean less pain, it means a lot of people are now marie antionettes and
feel pain when they don't get their afternoon cup of tea or
truffles... you can try to heal all the pain, but then you just
become more sensitive to trifles. its like sleeping on the floor...painful
and terrible if you're used to a mattress, feels good if you don't have a mattress... i don't
think its possible to be a
kurt cobain, a nietzche, a keith richards, a william burroughs without
putting yourself through a lot of hard, painful struggle for your
art. i just haven't seen it. maybe i'm not looking hard
enough...its kind like that with mccartney, but he's my least favorite
beatle. show me a great artist who is really happy...there must
be some out there. there are plenty of strong people who don't
seem that miserable at least...sleater-kinney come to mind...lucinda
williams...though i wouldn't exactly call them fulfilled or
happy. to me its kind of amazing that people do art at all when
you think of how hard it is to do something that will get even a little
recognition...i think it comes from a feeling that they may be
fucked-up, weird, and rejected, but that there is something special
about them anyhow, or that they want there to be something special
about themselves. so its all a big search for specialness...
man i could ramble on to myself for five pages and still not be
satisfied that i've said anything at all. anyhow,
i'm
gonna work hard thru thursday to be
constructive/productive/obsessive/obstructive whatever, and then if i
want to go to a house party friday or saturday, i'll do it.
| | |
| i was amanda's date tonight at the hot topic x-mas party. which was at glass nickel and (duh) a month and a half delayed. she was sweet and bought me dinner and gave me gas money. it got boring fast so i let the hot topic people get me fucked up on snatch or something like that, i forgot what it was called, and my favorite FDA-approved intoxicant, ephedrine. i know its terrible, but i only feel like a normal person when i'm fucked-up. so it led to me and a girl making out against the refrigerator in front of amanda's employees and Rob. i'd feel bad, cause there's no better way to exclude single people than by being sickly sweetly in love in front of them, but everyone who works at hot topic is in a relationship so it was not a problem or a look-at-us deal. everyone knew what the deal was with us anyhow so who cares. she was engaged, you'd think that would bother her and me too... but to be honest i just can't find it in me to get jealous...i just wouldn't ever gain any satistfaction from knowing i had a person to myself and no one else. i know thats weird. i think her guy is the more obvious guy anyhow and don't want to fuck it up. like he's more domestic and traditionalist than me. examples...i could give a fuck about furniture or cars or white picket fences....and i wouldn't get married, i'd feel retro about signing a piece of paper. if i'm in love i will stick by somebody and die for them, the end. a notorized seal or a ceremony where people give me gifts would just make it feel more generic and cheapened. i don't try to reject conventions, because i know that just alienates me from humanity, but i can't help it. i'm sure it makes me look like a monster. thats why i know, in my heart of hearts, i'll die alone. i'm very afraid to get to know people because i fear that the closer they see me, the less they're going to like me. also, i'm honestly too frigid and lonely and fucked-up to ever be with anyone...i can barely hug anybody for god's sake. anyhow, i did have an okay time tonight. everybody was acting so scandalous.
when i get strung out i can't stop editing....i could go on for hours over the stupidest shit....
i don't know why i even write a journal, i never have anything cool to say, everything i write makes me look like a pompous ass.
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| there's a good article in the isthmus this week about research at the
UW re: prolonging life and the gist of it is that basically that you
can live a lot longer....this isn't some quack theory, i can't believe
i haven't heard of this til now....of course with tabloid journalism
and FOX and CNN being total jokes no wonder....anyhow, you live
longer, ridiculously longer, by reducing calories in your diet.
because eating what you want, all the time,...basically eating like an
average person, sends so much energy to your
body's cells that it kind of burns them out earlier....more
stressful on them....danger high voltage...which makes it that much
more likely for them to convert this excess energy into producing free
radicals....i.e. cancer,
all sorts of disorders, or just burnout in general... The
statistics are in line from a lot of sources...mice, monkeys,
people. For example,
the people on Okinawa are 40% more likely to live to 100+ than
the rest of Japan, based on the calorie factor. There are really
some pretty impressive
statistics on the matter. Here's the real kicker though....the
featured researcher, and the writer himself, basically agree that
pragmatically this discovery means shit right now, cause nobody can
reasonably expect 99% of Americans to change their diet habits after
hearing this news....the researcher himself hasn't even done it.
I barely make the 1600-1800 calories a day it
recommended already cause I never have money and I don't like to spend
it on
food...so I don't eat that much to save cash. And I buy cheap
stuff anyhow, oatmeal, rice, grits, ect. Maybe those three months
where I lived off ramen noodles
actually was good for me...j/k...like the sodium which made me retain
five pounds of water, I looked pretty sick after that. Of
course, the article mentions the reduced caloric deal only pays off
if you avoid malnutrition. Obviously = ramen noodles =
malnutrition.
i remember i'd read articles in high school about people who lived to
110 and they'd often have these really basic diets. but we have a
bunch of lies called the food pyramid which is basically controlled by
lobbyists...and all the other bullshit. Three servings of milk a
day, thats a crock...go to asia and nobody drinks any milk for
fuck's sake and they're healthier because of it.
if I had money I would be other people...like purposely develop
mulitple personality syndrome. Maybe be punk rock every 3rd
saturday of the month, goth poseur at
the inferno on fetish nights, preppy on mondays. Cause I find
myself boring
anyhow. I've been trying to think of some way to be less bored
with myself or get out some angst. But I really can't afford the
clothes for that right now cause punk rock is too expensive. I
was just thinking about this...to be really extreme
especially....leather jackets, the cat's meow kind of shit, assflaps,
collars, all those little buttons at $2.00 a pop, patches,
cosmetics... Reminds me of when I lived in LA and half of the
squatters were rich kids who had nothing better to do all day...my
friend Allison was from south central and thought it obknoxious,
especially when you drove up to melrose. which puts some
perspective on things cause in whitebread land, people think all punk
rockers are practically starving, but if you're from compton or a
migrant worker, its silly abercrombie shit, just as expensive
too. Yeah, like i'm really gonna spare some change for some guy
who just put $40 worth of bleach and manic panic in his hair. It
is probably way too time consuming for me to be part of a subculture
anyway, even on a part-time basis, and plus I get too bummed out when I
don't feel a connection with people even if they accept me. And I
don't think I could override that cause I barely can in normal life
anyhow, I don't think knowing I was fake would make it any
better. The end.
I hate my writing when my journal entries sound like high-school graduation speeches....
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